Eternal Life Device

Well, perhaps we can arrange it.

Meet Alex Chiu, who, despite his fractured English, has managed to make an offer that beggars — nay, buggers — the imagination. He calls it Alex Chiu’s Eternal Life Device.

Eternal Life Device is believed to allow humans to stay physically young forever. Magnetic device strengthens metabolism and frees blood circulation generating a super human body. Patent pending. The most important invention in human history . . . Please believe me. Everything you read is true and is important. Now people do not have to age anymore.

As I understand him, there are really two devices — The Eternal Life Rings and The Eternal Life Foot Braces. The Rings you have to wear on the little finger of each hand, the Braces on all ten toes, “as long as you wear the rings or foot braces every night during sleep”.

It would seem that the Rings and Braces are alternatives: you don’t need both, provided you put the device of your choice on the right and left limbs — positive and negative terminals, don’t you know?

Sensible fellow that he is, Alex fully expects a bit of scepticism, scrutiny and ridicule:

I am not one of those stupid moron who don’t know what I am doing. I know about FDA . . . One phone call to the FDA by an unsatisfied customer then I’m in BIG trouble . . . [but] I have no choice but be brave and face the danger and laughter! . . . There is a good reason why I am doing all this. BECAUSE IT WORKS!!! Isn’t that cool? I’m selling eternal life right off of internet . . . All statements are my true beliefs. There are not at this time yet medical claims. The devices are for private experimentation of the buyers, not to be as medical treatment on other’s body.